We're important

Ever since Cameron has been attending school people have been enquiring about how I'm coping. I have been touched to know that anyone was concerned about how the changes have affected me but a couple of these instances weren't so touching.  They weren't so much "how are you coping" but more of an accusation - "how are you filling your time?" as if I'm now lying around on the sofa, eating bon bons and catching up on soap operas. I smiled politely and told them what I'd told everyone else - I'm still working and Cameron hasn't actually gone full time yet so really I was more busy than ever, to-ing and fro-ing to meet his needs. 
What I really felt like saying was that I'm a single, self employed Mum and actually when I get a spare minute I'm battling the laundry mountain, my overdue emails and everything else I haven't got around to in the last decade or so since I began spinning the many plates of life by myself.
Perhaps I'm being defensive.  It is a huge shift to move from being a home educating parent to a parent of a child in school but whatever path you choose it's part of a bigger issue, I think.  To devote yourself to the worthy cause of providing a lovely environment for your children is a wonderful thing but it is all too easy to lose yourself in the process.

For years, before I was on better terms with my extended family, I never had any time to myself.  I'm not exaggerating - there was a period of about three years where I didn't take a single hour off.  At the time, I didn't think I needed it.  I had a chip on my shoulder about managing everything myself and I would secretly judge other parents that went out sans children at the weekends or whenever.

Here's what I know now - working to make lovely childhood memories is commendable but it's easy to become a martyr to the cause and feel grumpy for not having anything for yourself.  Not respecting yourself enough to allow time to clear your head, not allowing time to keep up with friendships, not feeling worthy of a "thing", whatever it may be, outside of the house and separate from your life at home can mean that others pick up on it and don't think you need or deserve it either.
 
It can also take time to get into the groove of time for yourself.  For a long time, when I would get an odd evening or afternoon I would spend my alone time doing chores, running errands and getting a headstart on the next week or organise a surprise for Cameron for when I got home again (I still do these things sometimes!).  But it wasn't time well spent, not really.  When I do manage to relax into my own headspace I return to family life with renewed enthusiasm and the fact that the laundry basket is fuller than ever doesn't matter if I have recharged my batteries.

This weekend I had booked a visit with Grandad for Cameron so that I could have some time to meet a friend but my plans fell through.  As I waved them off, I considered my options - catching up on laundry, catching up on work... knitting was the only appealing thing on the list and I could do that anywhere. So I threw some things in a bag and jumped on the train for a spontaneous adventure.  I haven't done anything that spontaneous in about 12 years and it felt good!
In the sunny side of the train carriage I sat and knit a sock, I people watched, I listened to music and lost myself in the crowd. It wasn't much, it wasn't expensive, I didn't get gussied up or see anything amazing, but it was space and that was the important thing. 

I love my life as a mother and would not change it for the world but time to ourselves - when we don't have to worry about the next meal, the next potential issue, the next load of laundry, the next Pokemon-related question - it's important.  We're important.

What have you done for yourself -  just for yourself - lately?