All or Nothing

All or nothing: the thinking pattern that leads me to view things at one extreme or another, is a common trait of Asperger syndrome. It is the perfectionist monkey on my shoulder that lets me believe that the only options are to do something amazingly or not at all. It promotes neurosis, paranoia and self-deprecating negativity in my mind in such a slick way that it can be hard to notice.

Sometimes this default setting isn't a huge problem, it tells me things like if I can't complete everything on my list then I shouldn't even bother trying, that if I don't have time to do all of the housework thoroughly then there's no point doing any.

Sometimes it attacks my self esteem - I'm either a wonderful parent or a terrible one, pretty or in need of a paper bag! This area is where the monkey wins the most because it's so easy to believe negative things about myself.
All or nothing can also be very cruel, left unnoticed it raises the stakes to ridiculous levels and lets me believe that if I set a health goal for myself then slip up that I will automatically cause myself to have cancer.

You'd think these silly thoughts would stick out like a sore thumb, ready to be shot down as nonsense but it isn't always so simple.

After some intensive therapy I have become better at noticing the signs and counter-balancing the extreme thoughts with more kind and rational ones.

Every now and then I fall apart, I analyse where it went wrong - the answer is almost always all-or-nothing thinking - and search for a piece of middle ground I can get comfortable with. I don't think it will ever go away but each time I get a little bit better at noticing it and locating the way out.

I'm linking this post up to The Grand Love Mental Health Blog Hop which is running all year. You can read more about it here.

Five years of living purposefully

Last week we celebrated the fifth anniversary of deregistering Cameron from school.  We paused over whether it was appropriate this time around as Cameron is currently giving high school a try but I  think, whatever the outcome of this experiment, we will always mark the occasion - the day I found my brave, the day my boy began to reclaim his smile, the day we woke up and began to live purposefully. 

As it turned out, the school was closed for a review day and so we baked a cake and went out for the day - Cameron chose to see The Iron Lady at the cinema. 
As is our tradition, I bought Cameron a new book.  He chose the first one from the new The World of Norm series and picked up a Simon's Cat book with his own cash.
We baked Nigella's Clementine cake (recommended to me by Jules - thank you!) which was deliciously moist like a drizzled syrup cake and my first gluten free cake.  The blurb at the beginning of the recipe claims that the cake is better on the second day and I would agree - it's definitely a recipe I will return to.

Each day my boy astounds me more and more.  That he even contemplated attempting high school is such a huge feat, I have no doubts that I made the right decision five years ago and despite my initial concerns that our five years mainly off-curriculum would have made it difficult to return to the system he's doing extremely well - slotting right in yet holding his own, enjoying the work and bucking the norms by making friends with kids from different year groups!

Make Afghans, Not Socks

Thanks again for being so patient whilst things are busy, here.

I have been meaning to show you this project for a while but haven't managed to capture a good photo of it yet, so squint your eyes a bit and pretend it's pretty, OK?!



Just before Christmas I was invited to a mystery knitting group which was running a year-round project to knit an afghan blanket.  I have often thought people who knit blankets were a bit nuts, I mean - that's a LOT of knitting and a project like that doesn't stay portable for very long and must get a bit heavy to work with (although, I am enchanted by the idea of knitting that keeps you warm whilst you work on it!).  I also have the attention span of a goldfish unless I'm really into something so a blanket has never seemed a practical choice. 
This mystery afghan peaked my interest because a) it's knit in blocks, 54 in total, so that's about one a week; b) each block is different, which I thought would be a good challenge to help me step out of my comfort zone, and c) it's knit in aran so is fairly chunky.

So I have cast on and almost completed my squares for January.  I really enjoyed this acorn block - the picture doesn't do it justice but it looks like it has been woven, almost like a woolly lattice pie crust!

When I set off to buy my aran yarn I was aiming for something in a neutral colour and got lured by the turquoise in the shop, which I now slightly regret.  The yarn is an acrylic/wool blend because I didn't want to hand wash an enormous blanket and it has a slight pink running through it which I think is helping to bring out the patterns.

After I had cast on for my mystery afghan I learnt about this other project on the facebook group The Leap Year Blanket and other creations.  The wonderful crafty people there are knitting or crocheting a square a day for the entire year.  I have been inspired to return to my granny square project by their fearless enthusiasm (many of them are beginners) and the squares being produced are stunning!  They're also sharing hints, tips, patterns and more so I recommend joining if you fancy a go at a blanket of your own.

What's on your needles at the moment?

Busymum and the International Socks of Doom

I am a bad blogger - it's been over a week since I posted anything and I think that's the longest I've ever gone without actually planning to take a break so apologies for my unexplained absence.



Cameron's new ventures have gone into overdrive which means that for the time being his schedule is kind of crazy and for me that means a lot of to-ing and fro-ing, not to mention waiting around.  I'm happy to do it, of course.  It's wonderful that he's so active and engaged in projects but the busyness has well and truly interrupted my flow.

One of the things I love most about my having taken up knitting is that there are so many opportunities to fit it into everyday life.  Right now my knitting of choice is socks, I find them to be a really portable project and most of all I love that I can transform what could be boring waiting around time into something really creative and efficient.
Pool-side, park-side, on trains, on buses, in cars, waiting rooms, reception areas and cafes I sit and I wait, and I knit socks. 



I have been enjoying a free sock pattern I found on Ravelry called International Sock of Doom.  The socks are ribbed but the Rib of Doom is a slight variation on usual ribbing (which I find rather monotonous) and so it's enough to keep me interested but not so challenging that I lose my place when someone starts a conversation mid-needle! 
I also love that the pattern uses DK yarn so the socks knit up quite quickly (I'm falling a little bit in love with merino!).
If our schedule continues this way then every gift I give this year and every blog post I write may end up being socks.

Any how, I don't have much else interesting to say but I wanted to pop in and say Hello. 
I plan to find something new to write about within the next week because life socks without you! 

The Bad Influence of Food Porn - Day 17: Sugar Free Fail

Confession: I had a slip yesterday and ate ice-cream.

After a really quite horrible day in which I battled with my hormones, spent hours waiting around in the freezing icy weather, travelled on nine buses (one of which I fell over on - wearing a skirt.), had an eye test (I'm not a fan of these) and an extremely challenging and inappropriate encounter with a neighbour, I decided to settle down in the evening, get cosy and watch a film.  Unfortunately, I didn't realise that the film I had ready to watch was one I had picked last year from a list of Best Food Films of All Time.

Have you seen The Waitress?  If you haven't and you're a food fan then you will want to see it.  It is a full length film of food porn with a slightly cheesy inspirational story coincidentally happening around it. 
All of the food featured is pie - every kind of sweet pie you can think of and some you never would.  I had to take screenshots just to show you what I was dealing with, here.



And



and



See?!



In my weakness I remembered the ice-cream left over from new years and before I knew it I was in a sugar rush of palpitations and giddiness that pulsed through my body and took some climbing back from before I could get to sleep.

Lesson learned I shall choose my viewing times for food porn more carefully and I will not be revisiting sugar again in a hurry!

Bright Eyes, Green Smoothies

In recent months as I have researched for lifestyle changes I have read a LOT of contradictory health information but one thing that all sources seem to agree on is that we should increase our intake of vegetables and more specifically, green leafy ones. 
I happen to love green leafy vegetables - salads, stir fries, throwing them into stews, soups, sauces - the uses for greens really are endless.  However, my veg eating habits seem to centre around my evening meal and one of my new goals is to incorporate more alkaline veggie goodness into all of my meals. 

Green smoothies were the obvious choice but whilst I loved the idea of them, I couldn't get my head around what I had perceived as a green sludgy drink, akin to cold raw soup (I know some people like cold soup and even think it's a bit of a delicacy - I just can't get past the feeling of wrongness about it which is why I'm not at the stage where I can contemplate green juices, yet). 
Could a kale drink be a breakfast I'd ever be excited to wake up to?  There was only one way to find out.



I probably should have started with some recipes but you know what I'm like about following rules! I dived straight in with a bit of guidance from this photo on Pinterest and the results were OK - edible, but didn't blow me away.

Once I was over my fear of green drinks I began tweaking to (hopefully) concoct something that would give me energy, add veggies to my day, and not rely on a lot of acidic fruit or any sweetening to be appetising.  I was sceptical that the green smoothie idea in my head actually existed but it did - it just turned out to be purple! And although I'm still experimenting I'm definitely on to a winning idea now, I think.



My current favourite green/purple smoothie consists of cucumber, kale, the fresh juice of half an orange, ice, a small handful of frozen blueberries, peanut butter, raw cacao powder and a small amount of almond milk/coconut milk/homemade yoghurt.

And the results from adding more veggies to my days - incredibly bright, sparkly eyes and clear skin - what more motivation could I need?

Do you do the smoothie thing? I'd love to know your favourite combinations.

Right now

{Enjoying} new found energy

{Absorbing} glimpses of Winter sunshine and occasional Spring-like breezes

{Dreaming} of Spring

{Planning} what to grow this year

{Eating} soup, soup and more soup!

{Knitting} with colours to match the early spring bulbs sprouting



{Organising} a new and hopefully workable household routine

{Growing} windowsill pea shoots for Winter salads

{Nurturing} second hand items that are new to our home

{Loving} flowers lovingly gifted from the garden by Cameron

{Wishing} you a wonderful weekend!

Gluten free bread 1.0

I'd like to start today's post by saying that I am in awe of all the people out there who are baking gluten free out of necessity.  Gluten free ingredients are expensive and harder to find, workable recipes are not always simple to source and different ingredients mean gloopy mixtures and that you really have to learn to bake all over again, developing new instincts.

To begin my gluten free bread baking adventures I went to the supermarket and bought ready made gluten free bread.  I wanted to have something to compare my own creations to and while supermarket breads in general are not a great level of standard, it gave me a starting place to work from.  There may be other varieties available but I only found one - a multi-seed loaf - which turned out to be 8 tiny slices that were vacuum packed.  It tasted like cardboard, there wasn't a single appealing thing about it - even the crunch was disappointing.
At least now I knew that whatever I came up with in my own kitchen couldn't be any worse!

The next step up from ready made supermarket bread was to use a gluten free flour blend and the recipe recommended on the back of the packet (I went with Doves Farm because it was the only one I could find!).
The ingredients required were very different from my wheat flour breads, requiring eggs etc - it felt more like making a cake mixture than bread.  At this point I wimped out of mixing the bread by hand and decided to use my breadmaker.

My breadmaker does not have a gluten free setting as some models do.  The recipe on the flour packet suggested the basic setting and with further research, the breadmaker booklet agreed.  This setting has two proving rounds before baking which aren't really necessary when there is no gluten in your dough, however I found that it did help to make a very smooth mixture.  The only new thing I needed to do was to scrape down the sides of the tin a couple of minutes into the first mixing in the bread maker.

Whilst the bread baked, I began to realise just how much wheat contributes to the taste and aroma of most breads.  I had previously thought that yeast was the main contributor to the sensory delights of bread baking.

Three hours later I removed a tidy cube loaf of bread from the breadmaker.  I observed a good colour and crust and checked with a skewer to see that it was cooked all the way through before leaving it to cool.

The bread sliced very neatly and looked like bread:



It was more dense than the fluffy bread we are used to but not in a heavy way, like with bread that has failed to rise.  The texture was more cake-like than I was expecting and more filling so smaller portions would be required. 
The real test for me was how it toasted because, having been wheat-free for over a week at that point, the one thing I was missing was toast!  I found it toasted well but needed a bit longer than wheat bread.  The all important crunch factor was excellent however I found the bread lacking in flavour.
Like most gluten free bread, it requires warming to refresh it after baking day.

My verdict: acceptable as a bread substitute, particularly when toasted, but only to accompany other things with dominant flavours, it isn't a stand-alone bread. 

Do you have a go-to recipe for gluten free bread? I would really appreciate tried and tested recommendations.

Sourcing Stevia

Photo credit

Another of my health goals for this year, alongside breaking up with wheat, is eliminating refined sugar from my diet. I know that I am not alone in that I used to think that sugar only posed a risk to dental health (and obviously mood changes because of blood sugar spikes) but further reading has really opened my eyes.

As a huge skeptic about the safety of sweeteners it seemed like giving up sugar was going to be very difficult. I was aiming at sparingly substituting sugar with raw honey or molasses, for want of a better alternative, when I was pleasantly surprised to discover that Stevia has now been approved (as of December 2011) as a food item in the European Union.

I have read good things about Stevia in the past few years - it has been approved in other countries for decades. It seems that Stevia is favoured over artificial sweeteners because it comes from the herb Stevia (which can actually be used in herb form as a sweetener) and because it has a negligible effect on blood glucose.

I am terrible at knowing the "right" places to research the reliability of these things and the situation with being duped over information on agave nectar makes me even more wary. However, I have read sources that I trust approve and even recommend Stevia so I am tentatively moving forward with it.

Before Christmas I was asked if I would like to try some of the new Tate & Lyle Light at Heart which is mixed with refined sugar, advises using half the amount you usually would and comes in both brown and white sugar varieties. I found it fine for my Christmas baking and haven't run into any problems with using it as a substitute so far. I think it's a useful half-way point if you want to reduce the amount of sugar you use but not give it up completely. It is also granulated, which makes it more versatile than a lot of sweetener products.

This week I visited my local health food shop and found half a shelf devoted to Stevia products from a range of companies. I haven't tried baking with it yet. The Stevia I bought claims it can be substituted spoon-for-spoon as you would use sugar, however I am finding it much sweeter so am using about a third of the amount. I haven't tried baking with it yet.

Some say that Stevia has a liquorice-like aftertaste and I certainly think it has a taste but it is far from unpleasant.

Apologies if this is common knowledge - I have blocked a lot of media advertising from my daily life but I suspect that Stevia is probably being pushed with the new year weight loss foods this time around.

Do you have an opinion of Stevia? I'd love to hear other's views on it.

Battening Down the Hatches

I had something else I wanted to write about here today but the weather is so incredibly crazy that I'm struggling to concentrate. In fact I'm beginning to feel like Laura Ingalls in The Long Winter - if we do not meet our end from being blown away by the strong winds then I'm sure we are going to be driven mad by the constant howling!

Mother Nature had a busy night rearranging fences, bins and garden furniture. As I write this post it is not yet light but already I can see there is plenty of damage. These are the perils of living on top of a hill, I suspect.

Today we are battening down the hatches. I predict there will be much knitting, board game playing and cocoa drinking.

I hope you are safe, wherever you are x