Torn

A few weeks ago we attended a meeting at our new local Children's Centre which is attached to a primary school. Cameron said that he liked the look of the school and asked if we could look around, with a view to maybe attending on a flexi-school basis.
My initial reaction was NOOOOOOOO! But I took his views seriously, we talked it over, and today we had a tour around the school.

It's a nice school, as far as schools go. It's well kitted out with computers, interactive white boards, a library (non-fingerprinted usage), a nice big yard to play in with staggered play times to make it less crowded. The staff were very friendly, if a little intense after we admitted we were home educating. They spoke to Cameron in a nice way, not condescending or dumbed down.

Cameron was very quiet throughout the visit. He was obviously bothered by the noise and smells of school dinners cooking but had a good scoot round and surveyed the computers and library particularly thoroughly. He got to see what his year group classes (sizes 24 per classroom, but plenty of space) were doing that morning.
I was trying desperately to keep up with the head teacher as she bombarded me with information, some good, some ringing alarm bells in my ears.
We talked extensively about special needs and they admitted that they don't have anyone to offer support in his year group and explained that a statement would need to be in place before he attended, to fund an extra staff member.

Before the tour Cameron and I discussed what he would like to do if he liked the look of the school and he said a trial day. We put that to the head teacher and we agreed a morning after half-term for Cameron to attend on a trial basis, with support borrowed from another class. While Cameron attends, I will be in a meeting with the head teacher, a parent partnership coordinator, someone from the local education authority and the school special needs coordinator to discuss Cameron's needs and to plan a transition into school if he likes the trial morning. They didn't dismiss the option of flexi-schooling which made me quite hopeful and they seemed committed to getting it right and getting the support in place so that it runs as smoothly as possible for Cameron.

Cameron was quiet on the way home. He says he liked what he saw, but he was clearly anxious and started a head shaking behaviour that he hasn't done in a really long time, although he's calmed down now we're home again.

There's a big part of me that wants to put my foot down and say - I don't think this is the right thing for you. After seeing him so broken and depressed after coming out of his last school I'm so fearful that going back into the system will wear him back down again.
But - there's another part of me that is so damn proud of him, and myself, because up until a year ago he wouldn't have even walked past a school - let alone go inside one and consider attending. We would hide away in the school holidays and take alternative routes to avoid situations populated by school groups. This is a huge step and shows that the healing process has been working. It's a really great thing that Cameron feels able to try again and I can't let my fears cloud him. I have to let him try.

We've had a big chat about making sure Cameron communicates with me, and others, about his needs/struggles so that he can get the best support. I've made it really clear that he can change his mind at any time. All I can do now is support him in his decisions.

Today was not a good day to run out of tissues!