I treated my Dad to a low-key brunch on Sunday with chocolate dipped fruit and home made cinnamon buns whilst we all caught up on our news. No fanfare but enough to mark the day and let my Dad know that I appreciate him.
As Father's day approached my inbox filled up with press releases and opportunities to promote products. Most of the time I just say a polite "no thanks" and get on with my day but one of them really upset me. It quoted recent research on the importance of fathers which apparently shows that:
"children whose dads are involved in their lives early on are:
Ø More likely to do well at school
Ø More secure with fewer behavioural problems and happier
Ø Less likely to get involved in crime"
I'm sure that's very nice to hear for all of those families where it has been possible to stay together and make it work but I think this kind of statement is rather simplistic and insulting.
I have three points I'd like to make.
1. The presence of two parents is not a guarantee of happiness and security. Parenting requires effort - whatever the circumstances. Simply being together isn't enough (and if you need a special ego-boosting press release to inspire you to read The Gruffalo to your child then you're not working hard enough at it, in my opinion).
2. From the parents I have met, I find single parents to be the most attentive and hard working. They're doing the job of two parents and doing their best. You're more likely to find them over-compensating for the fact that it isn't perfect than neglecting their children's needs.
3. Flippant statements such as the above condemn my child and others like him to a bleak future for no good reason and makes assumptions about what our home life is like. My child doesn't have a father present but we have a close relationship and he feels comfortable enough to ask me anything. He does well in school, is ambitious, good natured and is interested in life. He knows the difference between right and wrong, grew up with everything he needed, had a story before bed every night and always has at least two vegetables on his plate at tea time etc. There's nothing special about what I do/did - this is reality for most single parent families that I know.
A father is important, I don't dispute that, but life is not perfect and we don't always get a choice. Isn't it about time we stop beating single mothers (and the children of them) with this "research"? What does it achieve?
I do understand where you are coming from and are so lucky that both you and Cameron have your Dad in your lives as a strong Male role model. It is better to not have a bad father on the scene, at least this way Cameron is learning great skills from you and others.
ReplyDeleteWell said :-) I saw the same thing while I was out with another single mum friend. We were both outraged and couldn't believe how badly worded it was. I can see what they were getting at: i.e.: fathers who help out with the raising of their kids within the family unit do better than if Dad sits on his behind doing nothing all day while Mum does everything, but to not even consider the huge slap in the face it is for single parents was downright careless and insensitive. Fathers aren't eveything, as I'm sure Isaac will learn. It's better for him (and Cameron) to have a supportive man in their lives be they grandparents, step-parents or even friends! Much better that than an horrible atmosphere at home where no one can thrive.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely, Sarah x
DeleteMyself and my brother were raised without a father when two parent families were the norm. I never felt a lack and neither of us have ever been in trouble. I think the most important thing is committed, loving, caring parents. Having two parents like that is lovely, but I feel one is OK too. feel in part I never felt the lack because no-one told me I should.
ReplyDeleteThat's lovely to hear that you never felt lacking. Thank you, Elaine x
DeleteHere here! I've only recently become a single parent but I'm already getting a taste of the ignorant assumptions people make about what our lives must be like now I'm on my own. I stayed with the father of my children for 15 years and in those 15 years I came to realise that sometimes staying together for the sake of the children is actually the most damaging thing you can do to them.
ReplyDeleteI've met someone else now and the girls recently met him for the first time. When I asked my 11 year old what she thought of him she said "that's the kind of dad I would like to have had"! Brought a tear or two to my eyes I can tell you but it certainly says a lot about how she viewed life when her dad still lived here. Sure being a two parent family works for many but for some it works best when dad (or in the case of one family I know, mum) isn't around.
You're doing and have always done an amazing job with Cameron! xx
Thanks, Natalie. I'm so glad that things are working out for you. It's wonderful to see you so happy :o)
DeleteI couldn't agree more! Thank you for writing this. :)
ReplyDeleteGreat to remember!
ReplyDeleteI was brought up by my father and only my father, and I managed to steer clear of a life of crime! I hate statements like this. They are simplistic at best and utterly insulting and demeaning. Really, I thought we were past this level of stupidity....and I think you are a fantastic mother x
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kelly :o)
DeleteGreat post! I really like the research that shows that as long as a child has ONE stable, steady and interested ADULT (Not even parent) in their life than they will do well. Its the ones with no one who cares that we need to worry about, not those with an awesome solo parent.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sarah :o)
DeleteHannah, well done for writing this post. I personally cannot stand all the indulgence of the media re Father's Day, Mother's Day etc. it is not only separated single parents who are insulted, it is spouses who have died through illness/accident and the remaining parent left to fulfil the role of both. I know of several instances relating to a parent dying of cancer, so you are right, why should those children hear negative predictions. We all should be considerate of other people's feelings. For me, I am adopted so those days are bittersweet, on the one hand it is a day to wonder why and a little bit of grief, on the other to be glad I have loving adoptive parents. You are amazing and Cameron is a lucky young man. Have a good weekend, Ann
ReplyDelete